Monday, May 15, 2006

And yes, once more I find myself writing what I feel away. Its good to have multiple blogs; once your primary blog gets infested with hypocritical comments from anonymous people that are to scared to put their name or just smart enough to use the correct grammar when typing in their insults- well, there’s always this blog to run to.

But I’m not here about that.

Today, when I woke up, I felt sore inside out- it’s a feeling that you normally get after 10 rounds worth of beating in an arnis tournament. After the adrenaline has finally disappeared, your vulnerability comes back with thump that would make you grit in pain. But what’s different about this agony is that it’s not physical…
It’s hard to find the proper time to take a breather. 3 months ago, there I was sitting in my classroom comforting myself to the thought that summer’s the time where I can breathe the free air.

Wrong.

Freedom is a superficial fantasy (that’s my take on it). People want this thing/idea so much but when they get it, its either they don’t know what to do with it or they’re doing the wrong things with it.
Here I am, at the peak of summer, trying my very best to keep a cool and collected front while inside my shell, I panic. I freak out.

I’m running out of time.

Not so long ago, I received a letter from the blue and white. It wasn’t the big white envelope that I was praying my ass off for. Man, that guy upstairs really likes to mess up with me. My options are wearing thin- a week ago, my interview for another university got cancelled because of german measles. I was under solitary confinement for 1 whole week. At the same time, I was unable to take part in the elimination round of the bandfest my band took part in. the band didn’t make it. The vocalist finally left the band.
In one whole week, I watched helplessly how my life took another unwanted turn. Now, fresh off the “bartolina”, I open a door that leads to an empty space. Totally clueless what lies ahead of me; my plans had failed. Even the safeties failed.

I messed up bad.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned throughout the last 4 years that I’ve taken writing seriously, circumstances like these are the most difficult situations to pin down into flamboyant words. It’s my life at its finest and I’m stomped. Too baffled to find thread in the right words to fit the lines.
Now, there are so many decisions to be made, too little time to spare. Apart from that, the delayed feeling of grief and sadness comes crashing down like a flashflood unto me at my most exposed state. Like an amateur boxer who lets his guard down against a seasoned boxer. In a blink of an eye, thunder and lightning came unto the amateur.

Pity, isn’t it? Well, that’s life.

I’m scared. Yes I admit. I’m still standing in the start line while all the others are in the opening stages already. I don’t know which way to run my ass off. I don’t even know if I still have the strength to lift my feet. Once more, I’m humbled with these things happening to me. My lack of foresight and maturity has led me into such a mess. Overdependence led me to this.
It is in these times that I just want so badly to regress to the days where I still wandered the halls of that school. How things seemed so reassuring, comforting, and worth-while.

How I wish I can sit for a while and breathe..

posted by ej @ 1:37 AM 7 comments

Monday, May 01, 2006

Hard Drive

Recent Posts Below.

If you read this journal,
even if I don't speak to you often,
post a memory of me.
It can be anything you want,
it can be good or bad,
just so long as it happened

Please put your posts in the comments box, not on the tagboard! haha POOOOOST!
Bandido Gig Sched! Please watch!!! It would mean a lot if you could!


May 12 - Baywalk, Manila (60s theme!)

May 16 - Makati Sports Grill (tentative)

May 17 - Metrowalk @ Ortigas

May 18 - Rockwell / Greyhoundz Album Launch @ Paskong Pasiklab in Commonwealth!

May 21 - Eastwood (80s theme!)

May 28 - Padi's Point @ monumento with Sugarfree!

posted by ej @ 12:03 AM 22 comments

Sunday, March 12, 2006

end of all things

its probably been a long time since i last posted anything. here and in my lj...

its been hard to find the right words of what i felt recently, with all the impending changes... all the problems i'm about to face and well, the greif of being left behind.

i started this school year with hopes of having some sort of change in me when the year ends. i yearned to learn something, something that would make me stronger, and wiser- a recipe to deal with things maturely. perhaps, i got more than what i bargained.

i've experienced a lot of new things in my life this school-year, especially in school. because of the fact that i've been quite detached from the normal social circle that i move around in- the life i had/have with mio, the katipuneros, etc... i started to spend a bit more time in school, thinking that since its my last year ever to dwell in those walls as a student, i better not waste any more time just doing nothing.

it was a risk.

after all, mio's leaving too. and the uncertainty of his coming back is still big. i certainly hope with all i've got that he does. 10 years of investing memories, emotions and all that is something i can certainly not give up just like that. it's hard, yep i have to admit that. it's really hard to see the one person that's not your blood that you treat just like your blood, to start turning around and walking away from you and towards that door, where the light comes from. and as he leaves, the door closes, leaving you in alone in that darkness. it's been a constant dream. something that never failed me to feel a chill. waking up in the dead hours of the night with a cold sweat. being left by someone that meaningful to your life can be the saddest and loneliest feeling you'll ever feel. for months i've been experimenting different methods on trying to lessen the pain- a remedy of sorts that would numb me when its time to see him of in the airport, which is by the way the loneliest place in this good earth. i got depressed, i shed tears, i failed to eat, i couldn't sleep... but the worst thing that i could never forgive myself is that i ran away... i failed to realize that in these last months, i should've been there and not away. regret is such a pain in the ass. but, just like she said, 'don't grieve over something that hasn't happened yet. you're denying everyone, including you of enjoying the remaining moments that you should enjoy'. thanks for always being there.

i've never been close to my school. i've never experienced being chums with my religion teacher, with our section's wing's janitor, the level leader, and the counselor- not until this year. perhaps its part of my own personal closure. i wanted to feel my school. i wanted to really have something to grasp when everything gets rough. i've never felt the things i've felt here. the bond, the company- its just so different. i'll never forget it.

some wise sould taught me this this school year- the past is there for you to look back on, but the present is there for you to live in. and in all things, the future is there for you to look forward to. thank's for always reminding me to always live in the now, and not to cling to forever.

thank you.

come to think of it, i owe a lot of people an explanation. for all the cryptic conversation and for all the unsaid things. yup, you're one of them kid. god, you have no idea how i miss you and your company. i'd gladly give anything for that walk to gate3 again.

music, as i've always believed, is a key to people's hearts. and it hasn't failed me. this year, i've gotten to know almost all the other people i've never really gotten close with. thanks to music, the same passion that burns deep within them, it provided us a common ground- something to start with. as time passed, other commonalities showed up and the bond just kept on growing stronger. just when i thought i was about to prepare myself to be alone, i wasn't anymore.

now, i am technically not a high school stundent anymore- practically one step away from being a graduate, one week away from temporarily (i hope) losing the physical presence of a brother from another mother, one month away from saying farewell to a guiding light and a year away to the promised land.

for once, i was able to withstand not being involved in a matter of the heart- a flame of sorts. i was able to shield myself away from that inevitable pain. i've kind of accepted the fact that i'll always be the one that gets left behind by the breeze when it comes to this department and its okay. i guess its my fault too- i could've done something to sweep her off her feet, but perhaps it wasn't in me. perhaps there's nothing really there for her to feel, or perhaps...

i'm still scared...

one day, my time will come, be it by an irregular circumstance or not, i'll take on it.

here i am now, absorbing all these facts, facing different levels of being left. but hey, i'm still alive and kicking, right?

all that i was, all that i am right now, and all that i can and will be tomorrow... i owe them all to you guys. thank you.

posted by ej @ 5:52 AM 3 comments

Monday, August 15, 2005

Spent would be one word to desrcibe what I'm feeling right now. I can't believe it, UPCAT's finnaly done. The pieces are already set and now all I can do is to keep on doing a better job with my grades and hope that I make the cut. A few weeks from now will be another test that would dictate my future, ACET. Take note, Ateneo and UP are the only 2 schools that I applied for for college. If I don't pass both, well, we'll see what happens haha.

There's something bothering me, haunting me wherever I go, asleep or awake. It's become a behemoth of sorts, a towering monster of memories and emotions theatening to drown me at any given moment. It's scary because I'm really feeling tired of all the masquerade that's been happening. It's hard to look happy when you're not and it's tough to feel you're alright when you're actually not. I tend to become a very emotional person when it comes to things that mean a lot to me; to the things that I keep really close to my heart. That's more or less why I can't really make my brain work properly with this clogged right smack in the middle of my pipes. I have to get this out of my system before I blow up and bid sanity farewell. As dear'ol RJ would say...

"Oh the pain" "Oh, the rupture"

posted by ej @ 8:58 PM 0 comments

Monday, June 20, 2005

There's always a point in time that you practically run out of things to blog about for weeks and weeks. Crap, its such a waste because when you're in the mood to type, you can't seem to find something blog about and you search your brain endlessly for something to blog about.

I guess I can say school's been alright.. Met up with a lot of my friends, CAT was fun actually. Tiresome but fun. I'm just a bit ashamed of my stature (cadet) since its another potential bully-liability for my wonderful sibblings because they were all officers back then. Pweh. Sometimes it just really sucks to have so many brothers. haha

Once more my fortune (if that's what you can still call it) hit the same note. I got in one of the noisiest sections in the batch, possibly even in the whole highschool because our batch's the noisiest batch. HAHA Tough luck, once more, the daily big time sermons and delays with the lessons reunite with me. Yep, tragic, eh? Not that I'm saying "Oh God, I'm in hell, please save me!" My classmates are actually okay. But grouping us together under one section's just plain stupid I guess. (sorry for the lack of term) Maybe its a good thing I'm not an officer anymore. It's not my main problem anymore if the class is in deep shit.

On that note, I'm kinda missing that sense of importance and responsibility though. Do you ever get that feeling? That whenever you get sermoned, well when your section does, you feel that the initial part of the blame's aimed at you. And that it gives you this insatiable desire to stand up and speak up. Or that whenever the class president's being called out, I sometimes find myself kinda standing up automatically and all. Its just unusual since I've grown to get used to it so much that whenever that happens, the first thing that comes to my head is "Shit, I wonder what's happening?" There goes my greatest annoyance. BEING LEFT IN THE DARK.

Okay, lets face it. We can't really know everything that's happening around us. But when you know something's up, and its being kept purposely away from you is just outright f*cked up. Seriously, I think that's rude. I'm guilty of the same charge sometimes so I guess its quits. What I hate even more is when people whisper in front of you and then giggle at the same time. OH GOD! I want to rip their heads off!!! Get a room or something!

Wala, its the same old story folks, drama drama drama, its getting a tad bit too bland writing about the "long durations of sadness" (as Mio would have it) aka depression. That emotion can be seen in every blog. Trust me. And besides, what's the point of flaunting that you're depressed, right? It's not like a miracle would come crashing down to you and God would smile upon you to give you your most precious desire. TSSSS crap.

Religion class was interesting earlier. Our teacher and I got tangled up between the discussion about Socrates' take on what is right and what is not and also the Machiavellian principle. Actually, I do belive that good and evil's only a point of view. Sometimes you have to do a little evil to achieve a great deal of goodness. Take the Muslims and Christians during the time of the crusades, both of them were fighting for that they believe is right. No one actually has the right to dictate what is universally right and wrong.

Well, that's just how I view it..

posted by ej @ 9:21 PM 1 comments

Thursday, June 16, 2005

Sometimes its just better to say nothing at all because saying something will only make you say what you're trying so hard to keep inside.

posted by ej @ 8:01 PM 2 comments

Friday, June 10, 2005

The first week of school seemed to be like a stoll in the park and a slide-show of hell for some reason. My adviser was funny, he's nice and he's already quite used to our section's behavior. Oh yeah, our class would seem to be the noisiest section in our batch (wow, something new! RIGHT) as some of our teachers would care to claim. As espected, the things I've left behind during the summer came haunting me back as soon as it got a chance to. If I continue to keep on indulging it, I'd end up being a real jealous person. It would seemt that most of the things that I've aspired from the start had been slipping away one-by-one for me. Nevertheless, 1 more year, as I've promised myself, after I graduate, I'd leave everything that's around me behind and start all over. Sure, there are a lot of wonderful things to be remembered here, but at the same time, there are a lot of things as well that would leave me staggering for comfort whenever those things brush through my mind. I'll talk more of this later..

Anyway, as I've been saying earlier, school's been a mix of heaven and hell. I never thought that I'd actually want to crawl back to my 3rd year history teacher and beg her to teach us Economics. It would seem that our Eco teacher this year doesn't know to do anything except to teach Economics, express her opinions exessively and descriminate us. She always, always, ALWAYS finds something to pick at us! The way we sit down, the way we write, the way we stand, even the way we look and how we blink our eyes. Geddemmet. People like her should be chopped-off limb per limb then be burned in hell. Can you imagine, first day na first day, nagbigay kagad ng Homily! Talo pa niya yung nagsesermon sa El Shadai eh.

This other heavy feeling was lifted off my shoulders just today- earlier today actually. At last, I finally escaped elections. I lost the presidential elections. I really didn't want to be an officer anymore, but there's still a part of me that still called out and be one one last time. Of course, I was a bit disappointed I lost, rest assured, I was still okay with the result because I lost to a better man. That's how everything goes I guess, when you lose, it would mean that the person that won's a better man for that aspect. As the basketball commentators say "The ball doesn't lie" haha labo. Anyway, I guess one good thing to think of whenever you don't get your way is that you always do get things your way, although not in the form you expected it to be. That's why when you get it, you're confussed, baffled and disappointed with it. That's why the thing that we should do is to make the most out of what's given to us. We really can't whine and cry over spilled milk because that won't bring the wasted milk back. Move on. Those are the 2 words that we should always keep in mind I guess.

But then again, moving on can be the most difficult thing to do. Being the humans we are, we don't let go of things easily; especially if its something that you desire and hope for the most. Desire is a very elusive thing. You would think that that's all there is to it, but sometimes, what you desire isn't everything at all. Perhaps that desire becomes something when it has managed to crawl up to the center of your self, successfully manifesting itself on everything else that you do, making it unbearable for you because you don't have it with you.

Ganito pala talaga, nakaka-baliw kasi di mo alam kung ano ang nangyayari sa kabilang kampo; pag nangangapa ka sa dilim at pag ayaw mong maniwala sa binubulong ng sarili mo sa isip mo. Mahirap palang maging humble at maging kampante sa kinalalagyan mo. Mas lalo ka palang lalabas na talunan kasi mas-inclined kang maging passive kasi wala kang paunang intuition sa kung anong nangyayari kaya't di mo alam kung kelan at papano ka kikilos. Ewan, mahirap talaga kasi lalo na pag alam mong ibang-iba yung mundong ginagalawan ng bawat tao, iba ang klaseng kapaligiran na bumabalot sa kanila kaya't minsan talagang nakaka-ilang talaga. Minsan gugustuhin mong sumuko kasi parang wala naman talagang nangyayari. Pero pag pasuko ka na, parating meron kang maaalala na pipigil sayo sa pag suko. Siguro mahina lang talaga ako sa ganitong mga bagay at baguhan lang talaga ako sa ganito. Pero, pag natapos na tong yugtong ito, ayoko na talaga.

posted by ej @ 4:46 PM 0 comments